The Monster Within
by Evergreen
Summary: Post Conversion, a look into the mind of Colonel Sheppard during his trial by retrovirus.


The Monster Within

By Evergreen

Summary:

Post Conversion, a look into the mind of Colonel Sheppard during his trial by retrovirus. Short, one-shot.

He felt perfectly fine. Actually, better than fine. Better than he had in a really long time. His run with Ronon didn't wear him out at all, it was if his body was firing on all cylinders and then some. His sparring match with Teyla went extremely well up until that last part. She had even complimented him on his technique. Then, it was as if the part of his mind that normally prevented him from acting out on his impulses had suddenly gone to sleep. He saw no reason not to kiss her. Definitely awkward. He would have to apologize to her later. It really didn't help his team to act on those kinds of feelings, even though they were there. Carson was definitely overreacting with the whole "every six hours" check-in thing, though. He would be fine, no problem. He had survived way worse than this. He sat down on his bed and scratched his arm, noticing that he felt a little bump. He pulled up his sleeve and noticed an ugly purple mark that he was sure wasn't supposed to be there.

He felt like he was a little drunk, when he was sitting in the infirmary for the second time that day and they told him that the retrovirus was beginning to change him. Unsteady in the thought that he could almost feel it working, changing him, down on the microscopic level. He wondered out loud to Carson if this was what Ford felt like when he was changed by the Wraith. Powerful, yet scared to death of the unknown, and afraid of what people would think of his transformation. Elizabeth continued to support him although many of the others had stayed away.

Carson let him come back to his quarters "to rest" he had said. He thought it was to keep him from the prying eyes of the staff and the members of the station who seemed to keep stopping by. He knew he looked hideous. He could feel the changes to his face, his hands, his body, but he never looked in the mirror. He wanted to pretend that everything would be all right as long as possible. Two guards accompanied him whenever he felt the need to get out. He was annoyed that they dogged him, but he knew that there was a reason for it. Something dark lingered beneath the surface of his consciousness. He didn't want to explore it and he desperately knew it was only a matter of time before he couldn't stop it. When Elizabeth told him that he couldn't go on the mission to that god-forsaken _Eriatus_ bug planet, he couldn't help himself. His temper flared and he smashed the window to her office before he could even think about it. His tenuous hold on his temper and what he considered "himself" scared the living hell out of him. He told no one, especially not Carson or Elizabeth. He couldn't bear to see the change in their eyes when they would look at him. His team would be risking their lives for him. He didn't need another reminder of just how helpless and powerless he was. The viral inhibitors were not working much anymore and he struggles to remain lucid. _Jesus_, he could've killed Elizabeth in his quarters, so easily. She shouldn't have come. The changes in his mind felt as if an invader were shoving him right out of his own head.

Carson gave him the highest does of the viral inhibitor that he could in preparation for his visit to the planet. His new planet, he felt a kinship with it now. Those bugs were as close to him genetically speaking as his own people. He made his way into the cave, surrounded by those bugs, and didn't flinch. He moved like them, without thinking. He felt himself slipping, Teyla's warning to hurry echoing in his ears. But, his body betrayed him, his mind barely had enough control to get him back outside. His instincts to fight against what he perceived as a danger to himself were so overwhelming. He was drowning and there was nothing he could do. _Oh god, he didn't want to live like this_.

"…he'll be okay, in time. The stem cells we were able to extract from the eggs the Colonel got for us were invaluable. He's been through quite an ordeal. His body will take many weeks to fully recover…"

He was sure that it would be many more before _he_ was fully recovered. If Elizabeth and Teyla ever managed to forgive him…


End file.
